For Noble

Dearest Cherubs:

So, my cousin is gone, a victim of pancreatic cancer. We will all miss him very much.

But dearest cherubs, I hear him in my head all the time. He laughs at me. He always did, not in an unkind way, but in a way that always reminded me of the absurdity of life. His last text to me was as follows "don't check anything". hahahha I must explain.

I wrote on my status on Facebook, that I was headed to the White Mountains for the Memorial Day weekend and that I would not have cell service (for that pretty much cuts out halfway up Rt. 16 to Jackson, NH due to the mountains) but that I would be checking Facebook and e-mail from time to time. Not long after I had posted this status -- his text came in -- "don't check anything". hahahha I heard him as best I could, although I did check. But I heeded his words which I think had to do with appreciating where I was and who I was with, at that time and place. I think he was trying to tell me to live in the moment.

Noble's thoughts were often cryptic. His opinions were often only understood by people who thought differently about life and about society. My mother adored him, my father played chess with him and often resigned as Noble's chess game was hard to beat.

My favorite story about him was when he, Allyson and I were studying at Ana Roje's studio in what was then Yugoslavia. Thank you Aunt Neta for granting me that opportunity.

I must explain to the non-dancers reading this post. When you are a young girl studying dance, you have the floor to yourself for most of your training. You struggle alone at the barre, in the centre, and nobody is in your space. Other dancers are around you, but mostly, your space is your own. But when your learn to dance with a partner, all of a sudden, your space is no longer your own. All of a sudden, a man's hands are in your space and it's quite disconcerting. Noble was my first partner. He made me laugh almost constantly as I was making this adjustment. "Damn it Margaret", he would say. "Would you just wipe that ballerina look off your face!" "Damn it for Christ's sake, just let me hold you up, I won't drop you, I won't let you fall, Jesus Christ!"

I still remember his hands on my torso turning me around and around and telling me that "he was in charge of how many times I turned and I should just get used to it damn it!"

LOL the biggest problem was not laughing in the middle of an exercise!

Even in my head now, Noble is still making me laugh.

I have the impression that he is just getting a big kick out of this death thing. Perhaps this is the way I am comforting myself in my grief, but I still hear his laughter.

I know how much he loved his wife, his daughter, his mother, his mother-in-law, his sister and all his friends. I know how much he wanted to stay. He stayed as long as could. He stayed beyond his daughter's student performance, and but not beyond his sister's birthday. He stayed with us as long as he could. I hope he will forgive me for my tears. I will miss him so very much, that it is almost impossible to say.

I remember his hands on my waist turning me around and around "Jesus Christ Margaret will you relax"! I will try to relax Noble. I will remember you always.

Thank you dear cherubs, as always, for listening.