Sunday afternoon --a random post

Blessed cherubs:

It's raining outside and I'm glad, because we needed the rain. However, the rain causes me to turn inward, as I am wont to do these days, to consider several things.

I am considering whether I am becoming angrier than in days past. I am considering whether I think corporate America can ever be an organization that I want to be part of. I am considering whether or not to "retreat" to academia.

I believe I mentioned before that I went to hear Noam Chomsky recently. This man stirred a nerve that I had buried deeply inside me since I went to Seabrook back in the 1970s. Even back then, I chickened out, I chose to come back to UMass, take my exams and graduate. Several members of that protest begged me to stay. They accused me of being a "fair weather" protester. Perhaps I was a fair weather protester. But I was also a person interested in becoming a person. Hah! And so why must there always be a choice?

I have buried myself as a wife, buried myself as a mother, and buried myself as a corporate laborer. Recently, I have slowly climbed out of that pit that I was buried in. And now, I wonder if there is any place for an observing, progressive liberal intellectual like me.

The president that I wanted, is in the White House. The Congress that I elected is in the Capital. Why, then, am I still so worried?

I am worried because I am concerned that the thinking that must be done, is not being done. Now don't get me wrong. President Obama is doing the thinking I have no worries about that. Congress, well Congress has always been out of control, and the House will be mitigated by the Senate, as the plan has always been. It's important that we understand that our founders had that right. The House will put forward an inappropriate bill to tax the AIG bonuses, and the bill will be defeated in the Senate. This is as it should be.

But the thinking that I'm talking about is more of a self examination. Will Americans examine their way of life and find it wanting, and implement the change?

Will Americans embrace the good of all, over the good of the few?

I think not.

I think they will patiently wait until they can get the credit they think they deserve, and then, they will continue to borrow indiscriminently, and not save anything.

Sigh.

Now I'm not preaching here, because I struggle with all these things. I love my cell phone. I love the fact that I can reach my daughter at anytime to know that she is ok. I have not canceled cable TV, I like the On Demand feature and use it more than viewing network television. I don't like owning a home, but appreciate that when I was married, we could borrow against it to make necessary repairs. But I also confess to you that I can't wait until we can sell it because it feels like an albatross around my neck.

But I have also thought about doing some things I might not have thought about doing, before this melt down. I have thought about soliciting for a roommate. I have thought about sending MORE money not less but MORE money to my 401(k). I have canceled some little luxuries. I have joined a health club, but closed down a coffee club membership and my Zoots membership which I frankly, really adored. I am not sure if I am part of the problem. But this whole thing had caused me to think about my priorities and I guess frankly, that's a good thing.

Is there a place for me as an observant, progressive liberal? I certainly hope that there is. There's certainly more opportunities that there were before. But I find my self arguing more than ever with my conservative friends. They are angry. Ok now, it's our turn. Perhaps soon, you can say that we blew it. But not yet, my friends, not yet. President Obama has not yet had enough time to blow it. Let's just try to give him a chance to fix this mess.

So I say to my conservative friends at this time, the soap box is NOT yours. Try as best you can to adapt to this change, and try to have some respect for the other point of view. After all, the "other" point of view is now in power. You're done for now. Get over it, and try to listen more than talk. That's the wisdom of the age. Listen.

Blessed Be, sweet cherubs.

A couple of days off

Cherubs:

You know, it's a really sad thing when you have to have oral surgery. But what's really much more sad, is that you're grateful to have a good excuse to take a couple of days off.

I'm sitting in my home office, happily writing to you. I have minimal pain thank goodness, and if I have more pain, I have drugs. But I'm blissful, why? I'm blissful because I was able to take two days off because I was having this procedure. What is wrong with this picture? Why in my heart of hearts, could I not have said to my boss, I need to take a couple of days off, for my own sanity. Why didn't I just do that?

Well it's complicated I think.

In this economy, one wants to feel that one is indispensible and needed and that one's absence will be missed. I'm not sure that I'm indispensible (even though I'm the only trainer for a global company), and frankly, all that I think will be missed is my sometimes annoying message to my colleagues -- that my company must become a learning organization and that learning and continuous improvement is important. Yikes, I wish I were not the only one saying that but in fact, I think that is true.

The other thing that plagues me is the good old Protestant work ethic. You work, and if you can walk, you work, and if you breath in and out, you work. It's a terrible plague. The Europeans are much better at the work life balance. The saying goes that American's live to work and that Europeans work to live. I like the European approach better, and being of Italian descent, feel drawn to that approach. But frankly, I was born here, and hard work has been beaten into me since I was a tot. My Italian cousins shake their heads at me. "You're in Italy for one week", my cousin Bruno exclaimed. One week! He was amazed. I explained that one week was the only vacation time I could get. Once in my life, I took two weeks vacation, but I couldn't this time. He simply was amazed.

There's one more, even more disturbing reason why I feel that I can't just take a day off. My existence. I worry about my existence. I worry that if I don't constantly prove every day of my life that I am of value, that I will simply cease to exist. Now that's really messed up. (I would use the F word, but this a public blog.) But I feel compelled to admit it to you all, because I think that I am not the only one who feels that way.

So I sit here with my slight discomfort in my lower right jaw and I feel grateful for a failed root canal. I feel grateful because I could lie in bed this morning and watch Sense and Sensibility or Henry V or any of my favorite films and not feel guilty. Heavens, this is just not good.

I think sometimes that this is why people play the lottery. Not because of greed, or worries, or anger, or even the hope of riches. But because they might be able at some point to be self actualized human beings and make their own decisions based on their own feelings. Wow, what a luxury that might be.

I bid you peace dearest cherubs with the hope that you might actually take some time for yourselves without guilt or other forms of hand chafing.

Warmly, Margaret

Is romance real?

Dearest cherubs:



You must forgive me, because when I feel called to write upon such subjects, it's usually after a couple of glasses of wine on a Sunday evening. :-)



But now that I am single, after a long period of being married, I find myself contemplating this sociological phenomenon called romance.



What the heck is it, I wonder?



It may perhaps only belong to young people. Or, it may be that it only belongs to those who believe in it. I'm just not sure, and I don't feel qualified to judge. I'm not sure that I've ever been in love.



I think I've been in limerence (please forgive the spelling, I can't find a dictionary that has this word in it, yet I know it's a real word). Limerence is the scientific term for the feeling that we experience sometimes when we meet somebody and we find we can't really think or behave rationally or at least with a semblance of reasonable behavior. We stammer, we pull at our hair and look down or up, and bat our eyelashes. This is limerence. Friends, I guess I find that limerence at this point in my life is highly undesireable. I confess to you that I have no desire to experience limerence ever, ever again.



I seem to desire friendship. Friendship to me seems ultimately to be desired. It is so easy to love a friend. You get together, you share views, experiences, worries, triumphs, failures and concerns. All of this is done without judgement, without rancor, without demands. You just are, you just can be, you are of support to one another without having any hidden agendas.



Is friendship enough?



Ah now this is the ultimate question. I do not know if friendship is enough. I am hoping that it is, but I have a nagging suspicion that it is not. I do not know what causes this nagging feeling. I wonder if our society poses this necessity to conform. I am at my core, a nonconformist. But I do not reject society's mores out of habit. I attempt to examine these things. I attempt to ask questions and to seek answers.



The other day I went to hear one of society's great dissidents, Noam Chomsky. He was brilliant, as I knew he would be. But he also struck me as quite vulnerable (he is now 80 years old), quite charming and deeply connected to the human condition. Is that what one must be to be a truly great human being? Perhaps, perhaps that is true. I wonder if Noam Chomsky was ever in love?



My dears sing out okay? I write only to pose questions, not to demand answers.



Warmly and with love, Margaret

A list in celebration of civility

Dearest cherubs:

Those familiar with my writings, will know that occasionally I post a list. Here's my first "blog" list.

I am from the age of civility. And so for me, to see a president who is civil on the evening news, no matter how huge the severity of the thing he is addressing, is enormously comforting.

We have debate, we have opposing views. But there is no need for us to brow beat one another.

I went to a party this weekend and I had a really wonderful time. I am grateful to the person who threw this party, because good times are few and far between these days. There was lashings of civil behavior everywhere.

I am a fan of politeness. Did you know that in the theatre, if you are in the way of a stage hand, he doesn't say "get the hell out of my way" (at least the good ones don't) . Do you know what he/she says? He says "clear please". Can we not at least practice this simple kindness to one another?

I used to be a stage manager (I've done most everything in the theatre) and when I was the most stressed, I was the most polite. "Ladies and gentleman, this is your 15 minute call". And I would get back the most polite response from the people even more stressed than I was. "Thank you 15".

Today my boss and I met about something that I was proposing. He disagreed with me. I pushed my patience button. I tried to listen. I heard what he had to say. He had some good points. I had some good points. I don't know what will happen, but it pleased me.

Civility pleases me. Because it means that we are listening to one another.

Let us, dearest cherubs, listen.

Warmly, and with love, Margaret