A New Song

Cherubs:

Leonard Bernstein wrote a wonderful aria called "I will sing the Lord a new song". I'm not even sure if that's the name, but that's the name I remember. But I am thinking about a new song for myself. I'm thinking about dumping more stuff in the trash can. The past. My relationship with the past. My lack of family relationships and my guilt about that. I'm done. I wish I could just chuck it all in the trash can. Let's try.

It's easy to accept that nobody loves you as you deserve to be loved. That's not so hard. What's hard is to be rid of your wishes. You wish you were understood. You wish somebody somewhere cared enough that you should be understood. You wish so many things. One must be rid of one's wishes. So open the trash can.

I was both my brothers' mother. They don't care. Dumped.

My mother was limited in her ability to love me. Dumped.

My father was limited in his ability to love me. Dumped.

My ex-husband is and was equally limited. Dumped.

Due to all those limitations, both my brothers are limited in their ability to love me. Dumped.

I am not willing to pay the price to be loved, because of all these things. The bill will always be too high. Dumped.

There is no longer much of any family left to care. Dumped.

There is no need to be sorry for me because in reality, if I am really able to dump all this waste in the trash can, then I can really be free. I will really be able to go where I want, do as I please and simply not care.

It's all in the trash can. And now, we will see what happens.

Try not to see this as cynical, but rather, as a purge, so to speak. Life is continuing and completely, itself, does not care.

Warm wishes dearest cherubs.