Dearest cherubs:
So, there are resolutions, and there are hopes and perhaps, even at my age, dreams.
Yes.
You know what I hate most about my life? Money. Money is always in the way. But I guess that's up to me. I guess I have to take care of business as they say. But what I want is enough money to stop the endless nagging worry that tears away at my bones every night. But I guess the question is, how much money is that?
Maybe I just have to stop the constant worry that I'm sure is shortening my life and just deal with things as they are. But I really have nobody to help me. And the truth is, I wouldn't want somebody to help me because the price is always too high. The price that you pay another person to be involved in your life, that price is very high. Perhaps, I can exchange the worry for not having to pay that price any more.
Perhaps that price is being paid as I speak. It's affordable. I am alone. The aloneness is good.
Happy New Year everybody.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In the silver of the night
In the silver of the night there sometimes is the smell of soup, and soap, and being on top of the ground.
When one's life changes like the energy or like the light that consumes us in winter with its lack.
We might weep, or we might laugh, or we might touch one another but in a sense not described until
The event occurs that is life changing that is temporal. Until the event occurs. Then we look out and see what we must see.
Like carving out a dinner, we see it. We might be aghast we did not see it coming like a truck. But we see it. We must appreciate the change. The change will speak to us. It will speak.
When one's life changes like the energy or like the light that consumes us in winter with its lack.
We might weep, or we might laugh, or we might touch one another but in a sense not described until
The event occurs that is life changing that is temporal. Until the event occurs. Then we look out and see what we must see.
Like carving out a dinner, we see it. We might be aghast we did not see it coming like a truck. But we see it. We must appreciate the change. The change will speak to us. It will speak.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Dad thing
Hey ya cherubs:
I have been missing my Dad. I am not exactly sure why. But I watched a film where the Dad figure was time traveling and popping in and out of the daughter's life. I guess, that's where I am now and where I was.
My Dad was always popping in and out of my life. He was there sometimes when I needed him and not there sometimes when I needed him.
Sometimes, my dreams include him and sometimes not. Sometimes I miss him so much and sometimes I don't even think of him.
I don't know what all this means. Daughters think about their dads. They just think about them in a way and you have to kind of accept it I guess. So there it is. I wish he could suddenly appear sometimes and fix stuff. He did appear at one time in my young life and pick up my stuff and make it all better. But he's gone now, and he can't fix stuff anymore. I sure wish he were here sometimes. He knew my daughter but not in her adulthood. She's a cool person in her adulthood and I kind of wish both my parents could have known her that way. I really like my kid in her young adulthood. I really like her. Dad, I miss you. I miss you so much.
Blessings upon you dear cherubs. Blessings upon you.
M.
I have been missing my Dad. I am not exactly sure why. But I watched a film where the Dad figure was time traveling and popping in and out of the daughter's life. I guess, that's where I am now and where I was.
My Dad was always popping in and out of my life. He was there sometimes when I needed him and not there sometimes when I needed him.
Sometimes, my dreams include him and sometimes not. Sometimes I miss him so much and sometimes I don't even think of him.
I don't know what all this means. Daughters think about their dads. They just think about them in a way and you have to kind of accept it I guess. So there it is. I wish he could suddenly appear sometimes and fix stuff. He did appear at one time in my young life and pick up my stuff and make it all better. But he's gone now, and he can't fix stuff anymore. I sure wish he were here sometimes. He knew my daughter but not in her adulthood. She's a cool person in her adulthood and I kind of wish both my parents could have known her that way. I really like my kid in her young adulthood. I really like her. Dad, I miss you. I miss you so much.
Blessings upon you dear cherubs. Blessings upon you.
M.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What the White Mountains of NH can do to you.
Dearest cherubs:
Those of you who know me best, know that I am not a Wordsworth person. I don't write poems about "here we go gathering nuts in May". Nature, for the most part, bores me. It's people that interest me. Yet, when I am seeking peace, when I am seeking contentment, when I am seeking some kind of center, that's when I call my good friends who live near base of Mt. Washington and ask if I can visit.
They have a most wonderful house, but that is not why I ask to visit them. They have a wonderful social connection with the North Country, but that is not why I ask to visit them. They have a wonderful connection with a church near there, which is ecumenical and welcoming, but that is not why I ask to visit them.
I ask because I think that they know that they live in a place that radiates peace and that I need that peace.
In the morning, sometimes, I rise before my hosts and I walk on their deck, or sometimes down towards the river that flows near their property. The mountains, the river and the forest all contribute to some kind of peaceful existence which is born of acceptance of what nature exacts from those who choose to live near it.
The most fun I have there, is talking with them. But I can't deny, that my walks in their orchard, of sorts, sooths my soul in such a way that no other place can do, except Little Diamond Island in Portland, ME. Little Diamond Island is the only other place in my life that affords the same peace.
Why do I rail against Wordsworth then? Why do I reject nature? What is it that I cherish that nature seems to rebel against? I guess it is only that I value civilization. I feel that my friends have so completely embraced nature and civilization in such a way that allow both to be embraced. And I admit to complete and utter jealousy that they have done this.
To be honest, I have often wished for a helicopter. I would live in the woods, and yet, have a way to get to the city. The city to me, is a panacea for my ills. And the blessed north woods of New Hampshire, is a panacea for my ills. And how, my most dearest cherubs, shall I reconcile them?
I end with a small joke. To me camping is best when defined as a bed and breakfast with view. That is what my friend's house is, in a sense. It's a bed and breakfast with a view. Yet they endure the NH North Country winters with grace. They bring their civility to the world. And I seem to keep mine close to Boston, where perhaps I hope it will bear fruit.
Warmly and with all my love, dearest cherubs, I send my latest post.
Those of you who know me best, know that I am not a Wordsworth person. I don't write poems about "here we go gathering nuts in May". Nature, for the most part, bores me. It's people that interest me. Yet, when I am seeking peace, when I am seeking contentment, when I am seeking some kind of center, that's when I call my good friends who live near base of Mt. Washington and ask if I can visit.
They have a most wonderful house, but that is not why I ask to visit them. They have a wonderful social connection with the North Country, but that is not why I ask to visit them. They have a wonderful connection with a church near there, which is ecumenical and welcoming, but that is not why I ask to visit them.
I ask because I think that they know that they live in a place that radiates peace and that I need that peace.
In the morning, sometimes, I rise before my hosts and I walk on their deck, or sometimes down towards the river that flows near their property. The mountains, the river and the forest all contribute to some kind of peaceful existence which is born of acceptance of what nature exacts from those who choose to live near it.
The most fun I have there, is talking with them. But I can't deny, that my walks in their orchard, of sorts, sooths my soul in such a way that no other place can do, except Little Diamond Island in Portland, ME. Little Diamond Island is the only other place in my life that affords the same peace.
Why do I rail against Wordsworth then? Why do I reject nature? What is it that I cherish that nature seems to rebel against? I guess it is only that I value civilization. I feel that my friends have so completely embraced nature and civilization in such a way that allow both to be embraced. And I admit to complete and utter jealousy that they have done this.
To be honest, I have often wished for a helicopter. I would live in the woods, and yet, have a way to get to the city. The city to me, is a panacea for my ills. And the blessed north woods of New Hampshire, is a panacea for my ills. And how, my most dearest cherubs, shall I reconcile them?
I end with a small joke. To me camping is best when defined as a bed and breakfast with view. That is what my friend's house is, in a sense. It's a bed and breakfast with a view. Yet they endure the NH North Country winters with grace. They bring their civility to the world. And I seem to keep mine close to Boston, where perhaps I hope it will bear fruit.
Warmly and with all my love, dearest cherubs, I send my latest post.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
An August Poem
I am looking at him with my mind's eye, Ceaser Augustus -- his breath creasing the air with its mist, its cutting edge.
I walked along the stones he walked along and I thought of him.
I do not know what to say to him. But I knew he fought a good fight. He was not a good man, in our modern sense. But he was a leader.
I walked under the arches created by his uncles and by his grandfathers.
Arches we must understand even though we do not understand them now.
Understanding is a bad word. We cannot measure it. What does "understand" mean? We cannot know.
Ceaser Augustus, I feel you close by. We live this summer month named for you. And there is life beyond this month Ceaser. There is life beyond this month.
I walked along the stones he walked along and I thought of him.
I do not know what to say to him. But I knew he fought a good fight. He was not a good man, in our modern sense. But he was a leader.
I walked under the arches created by his uncles and by his grandfathers.
Arches we must understand even though we do not understand them now.
Understanding is a bad word. We cannot measure it. What does "understand" mean? We cannot know.
Ceaser Augustus, I feel you close by. We live this summer month named for you. And there is life beyond this month Ceaser. There is life beyond this month.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Stuff I have figured out
Hello dearest cherubs:
I have figured out that nobody cares, really. And that's ok. It's just the way it is.
I have figured out that I am a good poet. I am not sure anybody in the literary world cares. Please see statement number one.
I have figured out that although death really sucks, by the time somebody gets to the end, it's a blessing in disguise.
I have figured out that we all depend upon one another whether we like it or not. I don't like it. But nobody really cares. See statement number one.
I have figured out that there is a life after death. I assure you this has nothing to do with religion. It just has a meaning for me having experienced so much death and so much life.
I have figured out that wine is food. Nothing in the world will ever change that. Wine is food.
I have figured out that when we bring children into this world, we bring trouble. Children are worth the trouble.
I have figured out that I don't know anything, really, I don't know anything. I wish I knew more.
I have figured out that learning goes on forever. And when we stop learning, we die.
I have figured out that love takes so many forms, it is impossible to name them all and thank goodness for that.
I have figured out that when people say that youth is wasted on the young they are both right and wrong at the same time.
I have figured out that those who care for others, must be careful to care for themselves.
I have figured out that if I win the lottery, I will have to toss dice to see who's life I will save.
I have figured out that my abandonment was my ultimate release.
I have figured out that stuff that people hate, is stuff that people do to themselves.
Here is my post for your consideration, my dearest and most beloved cherubs.
I have figured out that nobody cares, really. And that's ok. It's just the way it is.
I have figured out that I am a good poet. I am not sure anybody in the literary world cares. Please see statement number one.
I have figured out that although death really sucks, by the time somebody gets to the end, it's a blessing in disguise.
I have figured out that we all depend upon one another whether we like it or not. I don't like it. But nobody really cares. See statement number one.
I have figured out that there is a life after death. I assure you this has nothing to do with religion. It just has a meaning for me having experienced so much death and so much life.
I have figured out that wine is food. Nothing in the world will ever change that. Wine is food.
I have figured out that when we bring children into this world, we bring trouble. Children are worth the trouble.
I have figured out that I don't know anything, really, I don't know anything. I wish I knew more.
I have figured out that learning goes on forever. And when we stop learning, we die.
I have figured out that love takes so many forms, it is impossible to name them all and thank goodness for that.
I have figured out that when people say that youth is wasted on the young they are both right and wrong at the same time.
I have figured out that those who care for others, must be careful to care for themselves.
I have figured out that if I win the lottery, I will have to toss dice to see who's life I will save.
I have figured out that my abandonment was my ultimate release.
I have figured out that stuff that people hate, is stuff that people do to themselves.
Here is my post for your consideration, my dearest and most beloved cherubs.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Therefore
Therefore, there is great hope although how this is achieved is unknown and how it is perceived is unknown.
Therefore, there are realizations which are arrived at in such a way that it would be impossible for us to untangle them.
Therefore there is a terrible and unmitigated sadness, which may never again be relieved or misconstrued or be blamed for its damage.
Therefore, there is leadership and one who brings home the march which causes us to march behind, whether or not we know why.
Therefore, there is love, which will never be understood, not even in the course of a millenia.
Therefore, there is terrible suffering. I do not know why.
Therefore, I have the feeling that every so often, I have reached something that I cannot name or define or forswear or defend. Perhaps it is the truth.
Therefore, I have hope.
Therefore, there are realizations which are arrived at in such a way that it would be impossible for us to untangle them.
Therefore there is a terrible and unmitigated sadness, which may never again be relieved or misconstrued or be blamed for its damage.
Therefore, there is leadership and one who brings home the march which causes us to march behind, whether or not we know why.
Therefore, there is love, which will never be understood, not even in the course of a millenia.
Therefore, there is terrible suffering. I do not know why.
Therefore, I have the feeling that every so often, I have reached something that I cannot name or define or forswear or defend. Perhaps it is the truth.
Therefore, I have hope.
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